Most days around 4:00, when they are about to drive me up the wall, I bribe my boys with popsicles. To get one you have to get out of the house and leave me alone. Soon an “army of ants,” as Noah calls them, are undergoing severe insulin shock from the sugary liquid that is dribbled all over the patio.
The boys grab cups dripping water as they march back and forth from the bathroom to the patio. They tilt the cups and wash the poor little insects away in a flood of water. All of this is orchestrated by my oldest, Noah. That’s right, this time it is Noah who is causing the flood.
Word must have spread amongst the insects and now they are seeking their revenge.
The other day we were walking out to the minivan, late for school as usual. The doors slid open with the push of a button and as I was marveling at the beauty of the magical minivan I heard screaming erupt.
As soon as I heard the whines and screams I assumed Bryce, on the other side of the van, had pinched his finger in the HUGE spaceship he was carrying. I dropped the bags and lunches in my arms and stepped back beside Noah, prepared to climb through and undo whatever was going on. Then Bryce screamed, “Get it off me Mommy. Get it off me!!”
I glanced through just in time to see a massive spider climbing up his bare arm.
“Oh my GOD!!!” I screamed and ran around the front of the van.
I could hear Noah yelling, “Get it off of him Mommy!!”
Mid-stride I ripped off one of my ballet flats, prepared to do battle, and prayed that it hadn’t bitten him and wasn’t poisonous. Just as I rounded the front bumper I saw him brush it off onto the ground and I swung. My arm arched through the air and the shoe slammed onto the eight legged beast with a satisfyingly crunchy sound. I hit the spider with such force that it was launched into the bushes, leaving behind a collection of curled spider legs on the ground. I have no idea if it was poisonous but thankfully it didn’t bite him.
Something was trying to hurt my baby and, despite my fear of spiders, I didn’t hesitate for a moment.
Emboldened by my battle, I was prepared when the other day Noah screamed from downstairs, “Mommy, there’s a bug and it’s trying to get us!”
I walked to the top of the stairs, my concern matching the lack of distress in his voice. Peering down I saw Noah standing in the middle of the foyer rug with Bryce glued to his back, using his big brother as a human shield. I followed their eyes and spotted a large black roach on the base board by the front door. It started moving and the boys took three steps backwards, their movements perfectly in sync. I laughed at them and glanced hesitantly at the massive bug, “Ya’ll are fine, I will come get rid of it when I’m done folding. Just leave it alone and it won’t bother you.”
Back where I’m from those things sprout wings and fly if you mess with them. Normally, I monitor its progress until Eric comes home, but after my recent match with the spider I figured I could handle it. After I finished folding, I grabbed a broom and swept it with three good whacks until it launched out the front door. However, I didn’t see it land outside. It just disappeared.
A few minutes later, as I was washing dishes, I heard Noah yell urgently, “Mommy, there’s something on me!”
Running into the foyer, I found him standing on the carpet staring down at his legs. I thought I saw something on his tennis shoe. “It’s on your shoe, take it off!” I screamed. He ran towards me and I turned tale and hauled ass in the other direction.
Crying, Noah kicked off both shoes. As I peered around the doorway a safe distance away he yelled, “See mommy! I have a boo boo!!!” and pointed to a scrape on his leg.
Apparently when the thing that is supposedly on my child is incapable of hurting him; I lose all of my mama-might and they are on their own!